Monday, March 7, 2011

Confession.


When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to be a mom.

I was awakened to Jacob’s soft little grunting noises at 6am which means only one thing, a dirty diaper.
I didn’t feel like starting my day with a dirty diaper.

So I laid there for a minute wishing I could go back to sleep for at least an hour.
And if I could have “slept in” and woken up with no children, no dirty diaper, no responsibility, I would have taken a long shower. I would have taken the time to fix my hair and apply my makeup. I would have sipped a cup of coffee while reading the paper and checking my favorite blogs. I then would have ventured out of the house alone, carrying a purse, and not having to worry about dirty fingers or spit-up destroying my attire. I would have leisurely walked through the mall, going into the stores that have breakable items at children’s eye levels. I would have eaten a gourmet lunch in peace. I would have listened to the radio loudly on my drive home.

But that is not how I started my day.

I’ve had these thoughts before and I would feel guilty for having them.
I would feel that I was being ungrateful for the healthy kids I have. I would feel that I was taking for granted the opportunity I have at this time to stay home with them. I mean, I should love every part of being a mother every single minute of every day, right?

Honestly, No.

Being a mom is the best thing that has ever happened to me, I really don’t think anything else will ever compare, but it’s a job too. It's a job that never ends, where you never get time off or sick pay. You don't get to clock in and out or have an hour lunch break. There were plenty of days while I was working, that I would wake up and not want to go into the office. I would have the same little wishful dream as the one above.I would have the same feelings as I did this morning.

So the guilt has stopped.
I am grateful for my amazing kids. I am thankful for the opportunity to stay home with them. But I will not feel guilty for sometimes, just every once in a little while, wanting to have a day all to myself.

2 comments:

Gee said...

Nothin' wrong with those feelings!! I still have them and your youngest sister is 23 years old!! :) You won't get any guilt trips from me!! But...the trick is to acknowledge the feelings and also count your blessings...which you do often!!
AND...you are an amazing MOM!!

hannah singer said...

oh, adrian!
thanks for sharing this! beautiful, encouraging perspective!
i was crying earlier because i was super frustrated that i have been up since 4am with a cranky, sick, pitiful toddler. i am exhausted! i hate wishing for time away, i sometimes want it badly! motherhood is such a treat for me, and i would never trade it. ever. for anything. weariness does hit me sometimes though!

praying for you today! wish we lived close to have coffee or something!